I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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