Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
