He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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