i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
