Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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