The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
