Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
