I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
