Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I need moral support for this bender
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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