the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
