I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
