I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
