My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
