i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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