Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
