I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
