mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
