just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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