he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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