I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
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I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
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Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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