I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
