I think I won the penis lottery.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
