Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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