Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
