Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
