I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
