I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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