god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
