she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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