I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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