Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
