She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
