we have officially mastered the walk of shame
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
