Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize