Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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