Only a mothe r could love this liver
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my being single is dangerous.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
