The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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