i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
True college students do jello shots in the library
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
