I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
