oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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