Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
