I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
