At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
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I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
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Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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