Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
