Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
