oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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