Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
BRING THE BAGELS
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
