I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
