if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
