i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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