I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize