Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
