My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
