found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
