I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
