I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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