i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
