I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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