Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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